Are you yelling at your children? Do you yell at others? Do you need clarity on why you’re so quick to yell at others? Do you feel a need to control everything? Do you feel anxiety when things and people deviate from the plan you had in mind?  If any of the above rings true for you then this is a great article for you.

We received a letter from one of our readers who asked “What do you do when you’re always yelling at your children?”  She said that she was quick to yell at her kids, her spouse and other family members as well as co-workers and friends.  She felt remorse and confusion and at a loss for how to handle her emotions and these situations.

Theresa, we thank you for writing to us and hope this article gives you some insights to help you improve the relationships in your life.

Yelling at Your Children – The Picture it Paints

Yelling at your children is the essential break down of constructive and meaningful communication. Yelling is losing yourself to emotions and fears and is to surrender to tactics of intimidation when overwhelmed.

When you’re yelling at your children (or anyone) they pick up on your frustration, your temper, your lack of patience, and your inability (and seeming unwillingness) to communicate with them effectively.

Yelling at your children says to them that you are unable to control yourself and communicate your issues rationally or respectful.  When you yell at your kids it’s immediately clear that there is no conversation to be had with you and that you are the only one to be heard.

Yelling is a way to bully and frighten others and is seen as just that. Your children may do what you demand but chances are that they are only doing it to shut you up and not because they have a good understanding of the situation.

Yelling does not convey your fears, your pain, or your concern. Yelling at your children does not provide direction, information, or guidance. When you yell at children do you think they’ll do what you’re commanding out of respect, consideration or understanding?

When people yell at each other no one gains any respect, understanding, or clarity on the situation or the emotions that surround it.

Yelling at Your Children – What Happens to Them

A child that is (regularly) yelled at can expect: a poor self image and self esteem issues, to feel shamed, confused and belittled.  They will feel angry, show a lack of patience with themselves and others and are prone to mental and emotional troubles.

Many children that are yelled at may never learn to stop acting inappropriately because they spent their childhood taking orders instead of being given the direction and guidance a young person needs.

For some children that are yelled at they may also seek to have more mature relationships with their boyfriends or girlfriends.  They may try to obtain the love, respect, consideration, and compassion they’re missing at home.

When you can explain yourself and have an open dialogue with your kids then they grow to be able to explain and express themselves effectively to others. They learn the self control that comes with harnessing your emotions and handling themselves effectively.

Also effective communication conveys respect to the other person and a respectful relationship is a healthy relationship.

Yelling at your children creates another generation of short-tempered frustrated people that bark orders, yell at their children and go off in fits of rage at co-workers, lovers and friends.

I know that we can do better than this.

We can guide our children, create a dialogue with our spouses, and give understandable and comprehendible insights to our friends ad co-workers and it all starts by creating a little awareness.

Yelling at Your Children and Others -Become Aware of Your Actions

Begin simply by increasing your awareness of when you’re yelling at your children and others. At the same time take notice of what’s going on at the time, how you feel before you yell, while you’re yelling, and after the yelling has subsided.

When you create an awareness of anything it creates stillness and clarity in your mind. You’re then able to begin harnessing your thoughts and emotions to be more objective.

Once you start to become aware of how easily you’re triggered to yell you’ll likely be a little horrified at how quickly you’re set off.

Yelling at Your Children -Why are You?

Often we first have to gain an understanding as to why something is the way it is before we’re able to make a lasting change to it.

Ask yourself “Why Do I Yell?” It may be that this was a large part of how you yourself were parented when you were a child.  Many people tend to mimic their own parents methods and behaviors  not because they were a fan of them but because that’s all they’ve known.  You may not know what else to do and it takes focused efforts to change any behavior.

Perhaps you just get frustrated and feel like yelling at your children is the only way to grab their attention.

To begin, think of a time when you were yelled at either by a parent, lover, friend or anyone that comes to mind. Recall how you felt; perhaps you felt shut down, intimidated, defensive, fearful, or hurt.

Sit with those feelings for a few moments and know that when you yell at your children you are creating the same feelings within them.

Then each time after yelling at your children or at another person take a moment to examine each situation in your mind or on paper would be best for ultimate clarity and quicker results.

Ask yourself:

• What were you thinking about before you began to yell at your children?
• What triggered you to begin to yell?
• How did you feel after you finished yelling?
• Were you even more agitated than before?
• Did your mind seem to race after yelling with more negative than positive thoughts?
• What had you hoped to accomplish in the situation?
• How could you have explained what you wanted/needed/or felt so they could understand?
• What would you like the other person to take away from the scenario?
• Given the opportunity and the exact circumstances, how could you have handled the matter differently?

These times of reflection do not have to be long unless you want and feel that you need more time to work through the questions.

Each question, when answered honestly and clearly, will help to create a little more awareness within you, and increase the clearness in your mind. Having this clarity will allow you to take a moment and a deep breathe before you respond.  The clearer you can be in emotionally charged situations the easier it will be for you to articulate yourself in a clear and concise manner without having to raise your voice.

This is a good time to revisit the Take Five Method.  To use the Take Five Method we suggest that it be discussed before it can be affectively implemented.  Afterwards each party has the ability to simple say “Take Five” to break up the tension.  At the mention of these words each person separates from the other until either the 5 minutes has passed or they’ve calmed down enough to be able to constructively talk with the other.

During these few minutes you’ll have valuable seconds to think “What do I want to accomplish here?” What would be a good way to explain myself so that this person can understand what I want/need?” Thus allowing you to respond from a different place in a different way when you have a situation that may have had the old you yelling loud enough to embarrass the neighbors.

Yelling at Your Children – Are Your Expectations Not Being Met?

It’s not up to others to meet any expectations that you may have, about life, a situation, or a relationship.

You have total control over your experience and thereby your interpretation of the events in your life. If you have an expectation of how kids should behave or how something should be done it is up to you to find a constructive way to effectively communicate that so the information is age appropriate and the child/person can understand and learn from you.

If you’re upset that something isn’t going the way you expect it then YOU need to slow yourself down enough to be able to communicate your thoughts and feelings.

Yelling at Your Children -What’s in It for You Not to Yell?

As your awareness increases then so will your positive responses. When you’re able to constructively convey yourself to others (regardless of who it is) you will feel an amazing sense of pride, a peace from not allowing yourself to become so agitated, and a calm that comes when you know you can handle yourself effectively.

When you maintain control of your thoughts and feelings in situations and don’t allow yourself to be swallowed up by swells of emotion there’s a wonderful tranquility to be had in that. It’s a wonderful feeling to go to sleep at night without tucking in the anxiety of your day with you.

You’ll have a more respectful and open relationship with your kid.  These are the people that are with you more than anyone else in the world and they look to you for guidance.  Having a good relationship with them that has both an open dialogue and a constructive nature is to everyone’s benefit.

Yelling at Your Children -Creates a Stress Response in Your Body

When you yell you create a stress response in the body. This means that your body doesn’t know why you’re upset and begins the fight or flight chemical and physical response.  When you’re yelling at your children you breathe faster and your heart rate is increase.  Fat and glucose are released for energy, blood flow is diverted away from all non-essential organs so digestion is on hold and cortisol is secreted into the body.

While cortisol is a very important hormone in the body excess amounts of it have been shown to: increase abdominal fat and blood pressure, cause blood sugar imbalances such as hyperglycemia, suppress thyroid function, decrease bone density and muscle tissue… among other health concerns.

So keeping yourself in a more relaxed, collected, and peaceful state may keep you thinner and healthier!

Yelling at Your Children -Do You Need to Control Everything?

Having a feeling of need to control everything and maintain order down to the smallest of details is a fear of life. A need to control everything is the refusal to flow freely with life and the changes life brings.

Life is change, the two words are synonymous. There is no day like today; every part of everyday is different. You may have a routine that helps you to accomplish the things you desire aim to get done each day but even that changes with the wind of life.

Welcome change and it will be easier for you to accept it, deal with and embrace it.

Dr. Joseph Murphy once said that “Success often requires change. Those not willing to change will live a life like everyone else. Those who accept risk live like no one else.” He also said that “Risk is a measure of your willingness to step out of your comfort zone.”

Be willing to change, live a life like no one else, and step out of your comfort zone.  The yelling at your children will surely come to an end and your life will open up in wonderful ways.

I hope this article helps you to harness your emotions and communicate more effectively with others. Please like us on Facebook and submit your comments, questions and suggestions via the “Ask a Question” .

Most Sincerely,
KimChell Haskell