I’d like to introduce you to a quick and relatively simply process called “The Work”.  It was developed by Byron Katie and by using a few short and sweet questions it allows you to see things through another lens.

We received the following letter from one of our wonderful readers:

My sister has really pissed me off.  Our family scheduled our Easter plans at a specific time, we notified her a week in advance, and she had already planned the Holiday with her spouse, step-child, and his family at the same time.  I feel that she is always thinking and planning things only for herself and excluding others, especially her family.  She is so selfish and self-involved that she irritates me to an ugly place.  I haven’t spoken with her since.  She has contacted me via phone, text, and email, but I don’t care to respond.  She had sent me an email that really pushed me over the edge.  How can I make her see how selfish she has been?  How can I show her that we (her family) just want to be included in her life?  How can I get her to make her family more important to her?
~  Randy

Randy thanks so much for sharing your situation.  This matter likely goes much deeper for you than a double-booked holiday and an unpleasant email in order for you to be carrying around this much emotion about your sister.

I believe it’s important for you and your happiness to gain an understanding of what it is that’s making you so emotionally charged when it comes to your sister.

In order for you to do that you need to get clear on the story you have about her and this event; by the tone of your letter, it seems that you’ve been playing this event over and over again in your mind.

The Work – by Byron Katie

Through knowledge and truthful application of The Work you’ll gain perspective on your thoughts about other people, events, places, yourself, and so on.

First you go through what is called the “Judge-Your Neighbor” worksheet.  Using short and simply sentences to respond to the questions you simply say what you mean.  This is for you and is really not meant to be shared.  This is personal, and often deep emotional work.  In order for you to really get anything out of this you need to allow yourself to be honest.

When you answer the questions it’s important that you give yourself permission to experience your pain, frustration, anger, and whatever emotions are applicable and not to censor yourself.

The Judge Your Neighbor worksheet by Byron Katie allows you to express your thoughts, frustrations, complaints, anger and so-on and fully go through your emotions on paper.

Below is an introduction to The Work as it applies to your situation Randy.

Beginning The Work -Start with the Judge Your Neighbor Worksheet

1) Using your case as an example, you may say that you’re angry at your sister because she only thinks and plans things for herself and that she excludes her family.

2) What do you want to happen?
You said you want her family to be more important to her.

3) What is it that your sister should or shouldn’t do, be, think, or feel?  What advise can you offer?
For your situation and for example purposes, you may answer by saying that she should try harder to plan things with her family, she shouldn’t just think of herself, she shouldn’t exclude her family.

4) What does your sister need to do in order for you to be happy?
Perhaps you need your sister to apologize, and to make greater efforts to include her side of the family in her plans.

The Work – Four questions

Apply each of the below questions to each answer provided in the worksheet above.

A)    Is it true?
B)    Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
C)    How do you react, what happens when you believe that thought?
D)    Who would you be without that thought?

For example, you said your sister always thinks and plans things only for herself, she excludes others, and she excludes her family.

Is that true?

Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
Can you absolutely know that she doesn’t think a single thought or plan a single detail for anyone other than herself?  Can you know with whole-hearted certainty that she excludes all others as well as her family from her plans?

When you believe this to be true, how do you react, how do you feel, what’s your response to that thought?

If you didn’t have that thought, who would you be?  How would you feel?

The Work – The Turnaround

The Work then takes you through a turnaround of the original thought.
So, your original thought is: “She always thinks and plans things only for herself, she excludes others, and she excludes her family.”

A)    To the self – I always think and plan things only for others, I exclude myself.
B)    To the other – I always think and plan things only for me, I exclude her, and our family excludes her.
C)    To the opposite – My sisters thinks and plans things for others, she includes others, and her family.

The Work- Turnaround is True

Now find 3 true and detailed examples of how each turnaround is true in your life.

Byron Katie has a wonderful website dedicated to The Work.  Here you will find additional worksheets that you may find beneficial in working through this issue; The Work.

The Work- Getting and Receiving what you want

You mentioned that your sister has made several attempts to contact you in what I can only assume are attempts to make amends.

If you’re searching for an apology but are not accepting it when it’s given then it appears that there’s something about the negative attention and/or the negative feeling that is giving you something you feel you need.  Perhaps it’s the security of a familiar feeling, or displaced negative energy and emotions now being given a direction.

The whole idea here with The Work is to turn your situation around and look at things from another perspective.  Allow yourself to see the “4-D” image of your story.

Guided by The Work you’re able to turn every thought and every emotion around to find a deeper truth to whatever story you may be running with.

When you turn your thoughts around you give yourself the gift of seeing things through another set of glasses.  With this new-found perspective you can find so much truth, peace, and clarity in what once was just a smokey-rubble of your emotions.

By openly and honestly doing The Work, which takes you deeper into the emotions surrounding the issue, I believe that you’ll be able to work through this matter in a way that may bring you many surprising and personal revelations.

If you’re willing to share your experience with The Work we’d love to hear back from you.

Please feel free to contact us here at KimChell Talk any time with your questions, insights, stories, and constructive feedback.

Most Sincerely,
KimChell Haskell