Are you looking for love?  Do you long to spend time with a special someone?  Does it seem like you’re reliving the same relationship over and over again?  Does your ideal mate seem to elude you?  Are you comfortable in a relationship now but secretly long for more?  If any of the above resonates with you I believe you’ll enjoy this article.

Case In Point
I had been single for an extended period of time (for reasons that are best elaborated on in a different article) before I met James-Simon.  Several months prior to our meeting I had made a profile for an online dating site.  It requested that you give details on your ideal mate and that was precisely what I did.  The more I wrote the more I wanted to write.  I got very specific.  I reached far outside of the realm of simply searching for a non-smoking, fairly neat,  occasional drinker.  I pictured what a Friday night would look like with him in my head.  I visualized every detail of the evening right down to the incessant laughter.  I further imagined what a Tuesday would look, since many seem to look less favorably on those days at the beginning of the week… I declared that this would not be the case in my world!

I didn’t keep my profile active for more than a couple of weeks but I loved what I wrote so much I did keep a copy of it.   Looking back on that list now I was matched with a very nice fit.

Find Love
Awe love… what a beautiful and tangled web we can weave.  Whatever it is you’re looking for you must first get clear on what is you really want.  I don’t mean some fluffy statements such as “I just want a good guy, a fun girl, someone to spend time with, or someone to go places with.”  You need to define what “good” is to you, what’s “fun” for you, every aspect of that “someone”, and what sort of places you want to go.

Create a clear and detailed picture of the relationship aspect of your life and then visualize your dream.  If you can’t see it, if you can’t make clear what it is that “you” desire, then how can you expect it to materialize?
If you notice more of your thoughts sounding like any of the following:

• I always attract losers
• clingy people
• or someone whose interested in me for the wrong reasons

then you can’t very-well expect your experience to change.

So I suggest spending some time with writing out exactly what you desire in a partner. Write out every single detail that comes into your mind… if you’re thinking about it then clearly it’s important to you, so write it down!  Below are some questions in various subject matters to help get you started.

Relationship Questions on Intimacy

• Do you enjoy being cuddled or do you prefer your own space; or perhaps a nice balance of each?
• Kissing I feel is an extremely important aspect of the relationship.  For many it makes them feel like a kid again and keeps the intimacy alive.  Some find it a way to connect with their partner and is one of those essential must have things in their life.
• In much the same way ask your self how you feel about hugging?   Many love it and find that being hugged is something that they need.
• How do you prefer to make love?  Be honest with your self… after all it’s your experience you’re writing for and there is someone that’s fit for you.

Relationship Questions on Diet

• How do you like to eat most every day?  Partaking in food is something that you do all of the time.  It’s simply more enjoyable for some people if their partner is on the same page as they are dietary wise.  If you’re someone who enjoys a more meat and potato sort of life style do you feel you could relate to someone who practices a vegan diet?  Over the years people spend a great deal of time in the kitchen.  Many people enjoy preparing food together, laughing and enjoying the entire experience.  This might be difficult if you’re both making separate meals.

Relationship Questions on Habits

• Does being a smoker matter to you?
• Does having an occasionally glass of wine suit you best or would you prefer someone who partakes more frequently?
• Do frequent complaints on the weather give you something to talk about or is it an annoyance for you?
• Are you a toilet seat down, up, or it doesn’t matter kind of a person?
• Do you prefer to have the control over cleaning the house or is splitting the everyday chores more your style?

Relationship Questions on Pets

• What sort of pets do you have and what sort of pets do you see your self with in the future?  For me I love dogs.  I love their excitement to see almost everyone and their utter joy and exuberance for life.  But I don’t ever want to have a dog of my own.  I love to walk barefoot through my grass, lay in the yard and meditate there whenever it’s appropriate.  I simply don’t want to have to scout the yard for poop or find myself lying in or smelling urine.

Relationship Questions on Profession

• Are you dedicated to and spend a great deal of time focusing on your job and need someone with similar aspirations?
• Do you have a creative and ever changing sense of direction that you need supported rather than condemned?

Relationship Questions on Religion

• Are you more spiritual and less organized religion or vise-versa?
• Is practicing or being of the same tradition important to you?
• If you see your self getting married some day is the faith of the ceremony important to you?

Relationship Questions on Marriage

• Do you see yourself getting married?  If so, how do you envision that experience?  There can be a great deal of stress that surrounds a wedding.  If two people aren’t on the same page with that endeavor it can cause unnecessary friction at a time in your life that you’d want to be joyful.
• Do you envision a small or a large wedding?
• If you do not want to be married be clear on your reasons why not and if you’d be willing to compromise on the issue.

Relationship Questions on Hobbies

• Do you find your self loving adventure, craving new, exciting, and exhilarating experiences, or do you prefer a less intense existence?
• Is watching sports a favorite past time or something you’d rather live without?
• Do you enjoy watching TV over reading or a little of both?

The key is in the details and becoming clear on those details is just what may unlock the overall happiness for you in your next relationship.

Love Help
If you’re in a comfortable relationship but not all of your needs are being met then I can’t emphasize enough the importance of immediate, direct, and specific communication.

I personally do not know any mind-readers.  If you need something from your partner but are not communicating that then it’s like clogging the toilet, not telling anyone, and expecting it to clear itself.  In the same manner, if you have an expectation for someone to do anything other than what they are doing then you are setting your self up for disappointment.

People simply are who and how they are.  Your clothes on the floor, random messes, and miscellaneous habits are all part of what makes you uniquely you.  Openly sharing with someone things that bother you, what you need, and what’s important to you gives them the opportunity to adjust their lifestyle to co-exist more peacefully with yours.

I think one of the greatest challenges in a relationship is affective communication.  Often times when something comes up that’s especially irksome you immediately become frustrated.  You then either speak to your partner in a less than constructive way or you may find that you’re too upset to articulate your self and bury it deep inside where it can fester and grow in your imagination.

Relationship Communication
When you’re upset take a minute to collect your thoughts, take some space, even write out your thoughts on what’s upsetting you.  Think to your self how you would want someone to bring an issue to your attention.  If someone came to you who was angry, yelling, scolding, condescending, or with a truck-full of attitude how would you respond?  You’d probably be defensive and the conversation would be less than constructive at best.

Whatever it is that strikes you wrong needs to be brought to light sooner rather than later and can not remain buried within you.  Taking some space, if that’s what you feel is best, is perfectly fine but don’t let your negative thoughts circulate in your mind.  The longer you sit and percolate on something that struck you wrong the more your imagination will add to it and the further it will take it.

It’s perfectly fine to lead with “I’m feeling frustrated right now because (insert your issue), and I would like to talk about it so that I don’t fester on it and make it into a bigger deal for us later.”

I also suggest stating your perspective in an open way, such as, “It appears to me, or my perspective is (whatever it is), and I was hoping you can clarify or add to that because that particular thought is not sitting the greatest with me.”

The more things you can discuss as you go along the more enjoyable your experience together will be.

However many relationships do not last, I believe that people come in to our lives to help us learn something that we may not have otherwise learned without them and (more often than not) we come to a point where the relationship has ran it’s course and it’s time for both parties to move on.

It happens and with the right perspective you will see that you’re a better person in every way for having had the experience… of course that last lesson can take some time before many will see it.

I hope this article helps you to become clear on what you need to be happy in a relationship.

If you have a story to share, any constructive feedback to provide, or would just like to drop me a line please contact me at KimChell.

Most Sincerely,
KimChell Haskell